[心得] 如果30歲還是處男(略)EP.6-再為黑澤點首歌

DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO

Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit conjured this tempestuous rage
Created you a monster broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

A glowing ember burning hot and burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

看完第六集接著被第七集預告轟炸後，這幾天我腦海中不斷迴放這首
悲傷的情歌，雖然試著沉澱心情，過了七年後還是感到震後的餘波盪
漾，一股苦澀辛酸仍舊積鬱在心裡久久不散。只好來這裡寫點什麼抒
發心情，不是什麼有條理的心得分析，只有耽溺又雜亂的喃喃自語，
很抱歉用詞可能有點沉重與強烈，請慎入。

「這人間苦什麼　怕不能遇見你」

黑澤的秘密苦戀始於七年前，七年是破除障眼法的咒語，時光的重量
沖刷掉一切顏色，淹沒了所有喧嘩，瞬間繁華落盡，黑澤原來是立於
荒野中的苦行僧，遙望著遠方的星辰。他信奉與安達的美好相遇，安
達的喜好習性是日日背誦的教義，滿腔愛慕不作告白，不求回應，走
的是孤寂又荒涼的無止無盡的修行之路，甘之如飴。

所以那些時而帶點旖旎色氣時而孩子氣一廂情願的心聲妄想，只是一
根根火柴棒劃出來的微弱火光，用以賒借一點愛情的溫暖美好。
他以安達為題設立的私人博物館收藏起安達穿戴過的圍巾、睡衣以及
從藥妝店買回同款洗髮精，他將來要避世於其中安度劫後餘生。

「有生之年狹路相逢終不得倖免」

沒想到原本可望而不可及的安達如今降臨身邊，得償所願。黑澤從前
不敢奢望的美好如今近在呎尺，怎能忍得住不伸手碰觸，然而他內心
最深處的恐懼仍是一旦他越線會讓安達害怕與厭棄。無處安放的炙熱
情感卻越發難以克制，所有因安達而起的甜蜜與哀愁都帶著巨大的力
量拉扯著黑澤的心讓他無法喘息。而那火終究也燒傷了黑澤自己，摧
枯拉朽，理智即將潰不成軍。

"So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride's worth.
Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts
and out runs all of the sadness.
It's terrifying, life, through the darkness."
Corinne Bailey Rae

所以當第六集結尾黑澤終於告白，求的不是安達接受他而是遠離他，
看著他焚毀了身後的橋便無退路的我終於掉了眼淚。我覺得七年這個
設定真的太殘忍。而第七集還要再心碎一次，有人可以告訴我這毒要
怎麼解嗎？（嘆息）

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謝謝大家願意看這篇文，我只是 did what I had to do 沒有用文字戳一戳放血實在是會得內傷...... 真的！原本以為第七集又要讓我為黑澤先哭上半個小時， 接著失眠一整夜然後再鬱悶七年，幸好編劇和導演大發慈 悲讓安達小可愛開竅，黑澤的戀情終於柳暗花明，不然阿 姨我的心臟不曉得還受不受得了繼續如此折騰啊 不過看完第七集的我下場還是殊途同歸，先感動又開心地 哭個半小時，接著因為黑澤結尾的眼神興奮地睡不著然後 沒意外地又要寢食難安地度過七年～